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So They Say They Will Change

With everything going on in this generation, it has become harder to date towards a relationship. It has become harder to meet individuals who value commitment and loyalty because our world does not outwardly advertise it. When it comes to considering a person for a relationship, it is important that you must remember that a person is not perfect. However, keep in mind that you must accept a person for who they are and be content with that. Failure to do so, with the mindset that one will change, is focusing on a person’s potential instead of their now.

I believe that true love is accepting a person for who they are NOW. Not accepting a person for who they will become. What happens is that when one does that, they exude so much energy into changing and tailoring that individual into who they want and when they are not molded for who they would initially want that person to become; disappointments occur and time is wasted.

You must ask yourself this question, am I okay with everything about this person now? You must keep in mind that no one is perfect and that everyone needs to grow and mature; including yourself.

However, if the person is content with who they are and unwilling to change in some areas; are you okay with that? A great example is trying to convince a man to be loyal. If you met an attractive man who had a majority of what you want in a man but he has an issue with being faithful; would you be okay with still moving forward towards a relationship? Some may say, heck no! Some may say, sure why not! Remember this: you cannot change a person! They must want to change, prior to meeting you! If a man is serious about changing if you are in the picture, the mature thing to do is to let you go until that person has got it all together in that area. Many times women believe that being a good woman is a credential that will change a man’s ways. Listen up, the only thing that can change a man’s ways is a wake-up call and conviction that enough is enough; not you! Sometimes, walking away and leaving that man (staying away too) can create change. Life is a great teacher, so stop trying to interrupt the lesson in order to speed things up.

By holding on to the mindset that, “maybe if he changes, he will be perfect”, is actually detrimental. Think about it. You are in a relationship with that man who has commitment issues, hoping that your credibility of being a good woman will wake him up, but you later find out that he has cheated on you. When that occurs, we become heart broken and bitter and think that all guys are the same when that is not the case. The issue is that you tried to compromise a trait that did not need to be compromised. By focusing on who that person could become, you looked past who the person was and ignored red flags (warnings of a person’s character through their actions and words). You not only come out hurt, you waste time that cannot be taken back.

This is why it is vital to have non negotiables. Non-negotiables are things that you REFUSE to compromise such as: a man having a close relationship with Christ, loyalty, a person being okay with waiting to have sex until marriage, loving, hard working and more. That means that no matter how fine the man is, how much he makes or how suave he is, if he does not have those qualities about him; on to the next. For example, if you choose to move forward with that man that has already told you, babe I don’t believe nor want to wait until marriage to have sex, then you will have a HARD TIME trying to convince him. At that point, you are blinded with a façade of who you want that person to be and not actually focused on who that person is now. From experience, you will not get to experience the true essence and beauty of a relationship because your so focused on trying to lead a man who does not want to be led or do the leading in that area. That is a BIG no! It harsh I know. Maybe your pool of men will decrease but would you rather start off right or hope that things can become right. It is your choice.

As mentioned earlier, I believe that true love is accepting the person for who they are, flaws and all. What makes love complicated is when you solely rely on who that person can become to possibly love them in the future. You may not be so sure on certain things now but you may believe that: “if this person can only do this or stop doing that, I can truly love them”. I will STRONGLY advice you with this, let the person go in order to grow. It is true that some people do not grow and that is okay but keep in mind love is not a fantasy. There are too many relationships that people have planted a seed waiting to see what can happen. Why focus on the seed when you can admire the garden right away. That is why you can meet a good person but at the wrong time because there is still some fine-tuning that needs to occur.

When exploring the possibility of a relationship:

1.) Write down a list of what you look for in a person. (You must know what you want and never be ashamed of it! I have been bashed for wanting certain qualities of a man but I know that it is worth it)

2.) High light the things that you do not want to compromise in such a religious beliefs. (There are some things that should not be negotiated. When it is and problems arise, should you really be surprised. If you say you want a man to have a relationship with Christ but end up dating a non-believer, do NOT be surprised if problems occur. You should not have compromised in that area)

3.) Be okay with saying no to a person because some people are best kept as friends. (Your no is an indication of your growth. What you may have said yes to years ago changes due to growth and maturity)

4.) PRAY! PRAY! PRAY! God will guide you through it! He will guide you through your list, the areas that you should not compromise and your no’s. When you give God permission in that area of your life, he will bring the very best to you.

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