Breakups suck and after experiencing one almost 4 years ago, I wanted to share with you some tips that I believe will assist you with healing from a broken heart. I am not a relationship expert but I have discovered throughout these past few years, that doing the following 3 things can lead you on the path of being open to date again.
1.) Seek out help
When I experienced a break up almost 4 years ago, I reached out to someone at my church to inquire about therapy. He gave me an odd look and told me that I would be okay without it.
Unfortunately, I took his advice and did not explore therapy. To this day, I wonder how many toxic people I could have avoided after my relationship if I had taken the time to seek out help that would would navigate me to process and evaluate my heart break. Instead, I found myself in so many toxic connections with men that I fell into a much worse emotional state than ever before. Things that are typically deemed as common sense, was not common sense to me at all. Due to that, I had to learn the hard way too many times.
Therefore, I strongly urge you to go with that gut feeling about delving into therapy. Therapy is a GREAT tool that can guide you to the true root of your patterns. For instance, therapy can reveal that your choice in men and women is tied to your relationship or non-existing relationship with your parents and more. Typically, the subject of relationships stays in its own category but the truth of the matter is that our upbringing has such a huge impact in our love life. So if we do not explore and unpack the subconscious trauma that has occurred in our lives, then we will have a difficult time trying to get out of the habit of choosing wrong.
If you do not know where to start in your search for a therapist or would like more information, I advise visiting Therapy for Black Girls from Dr. Joy.
2.) Do not be so quick to date again right away
Imagine scrapping your knee on the street after falling off of your bike and an open wound is formed. That would be painful! Now imagine getting right back onto your bike, only to fall off and scrap your knee again in the exact same place...that would be a horrible type of pain! Well jumping from one relationship immediately into another is like falling off of a bike, back to back, and hurting an already open wound that has not yet healed. Instead of taking time to clean and bandage the wound, it is left open for possible infections and continuous pain.
Dating immediately following a break up is NOT healing. It is actually a cover up and you are avoiding the real issue(s) at hand. When you quickly jump from person to person, hoping to erase the memories of the past, you are creating chaos with anyone that comes into your life.
If you are not careful, your excessive desire for a relationship can negatively impact who you choose to be with and what you choose to deal with in a relationship. In other words, if you become so desperate to be in a relationship, you will date anyone, as long as they are breathing. Sadly to say, those people find a false sense of contentment because they are making a decision from an unhealed heart and spirit. Due to that, they often find themselves projecting their feelings of previous hurt, anger, confusion, and paranoia onto their new relationship. Although those emotions will not initially come out in the beginning stages of a relationship, it will eventually surface up in time.
Society will have you believing that a breakup is ground to immediately have sex and date around just to occupy your time.
Ummmmm DON'T!
Remember, there is absolutely nothing peculiar about taking time out from the dating game. It is actually one of the wisest things that you can do. It is impossible to give anyone a healthy kind of love if you have not yet taken the time to process, heal and grow from an old love.
3.) Get on your grind!
When your heart is broken a choice is laid out in front of you. You can either sulk in your pain while dragging your feet in life or you could use this time to tap into your fabulousness!
HINT HINT...tap into your fabulousness!
Personally, when I became single, I began to work out consistently, I started to dress up for me, I spent more time with God, I invested in skin care products and the list can go on and on! I noticed that I was transforming myself into a much better version of me emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.
I challenge you to take the time to think about the areas that you want to improve in and begin to execute them one by one!
While you are on the path towards being a better you, there will be moments that you may not feel good about yourself. Despite how you may feel, continue to push through because your future self will thank you for it!
You should not let a heartbreak break you but allow it to build you up by trying out the following things:
Sign up for a gym! Get your workout on and take care of you from the inside, out.
Explore your interests and hobbies. Try something new or dig deeper in exploring the things that you enjoy doing
Bad skin? Invest in your skincare. Nothing will make you feel more beautiful when you begin seeing improvements in your skin.
Get that extra job that you may have always wanted in order to make some extra cash or pay off some bills.
Redecorate your apartment
Try new recipes to cook
Travel! If you cannot do so internationally, do so domestically. (I have to admit, I NEED to do better with this one)
Start a business
Write a book
SPEND MORE TIME WITH GOD! (Check out my "Running on E" post)
Bonus Tip: Cut off ties to your ex, literally!
Yup that is right, cut he or she off. If you need to block their number, unfriend or block them on social media, do it! "Out of sight is out of mind" right? So why would you still want to continue checking up on or checking in with them; it will only delay your healing process.
If the relationship is worth converting into a friendship, I strongly suggest that you take some time away from the person to process the the relationship that had just ended. By doing so, you are able to evaluate not only what went wrong but you can determine if you really think that a friendship is a wise route to go.
Another Bonus Tip: Spend time with God!
That is ABSOLUTELY right! God may have ended the relationship because he not only knew that it was not good for you spiritually, he wanted you to be reminded that HE is your priority. Sometimes, we become so engulfed in our relationship that we forget about our relationship with Christ. I know this all too well because I was always consumed with pleasing the man that I forgot about pleasing God. The word tells us in 1 Chronicles 16:11 that we should "Seek the Lord and his strength, seek his face continually" (KJV). Here is another scripture that is found in Jeremiah 29:13 that says "And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart" (KJV).
God wants us to continuously seek him, not just when we need something but when we have already received what he gave us. I must admit that throughout my 4 years of being single, I was not making the right choices with the men I was getting to know. I found myself doing everything opposite of God's will for my life because I was genuinely spending time with God on a consistent basis. That not only hindered my growth in Christ but it caused confusion with the people I was dating. I would present myself and standards in one way and then 3 seconds later, I had amnesia. So learn from me and my mistakes and trust me when I tell you to grow in your relationship with Christ! Get to know HIM since you have the time to do so and watch how He begins to order your steps.
After reading these tips, I hope you feel empowered to take these practical steps towards healing. I know that this may sound cliche but it really does get easier with time. I would even add that it gets better when you make the best use of your time. Be hopeful and know that healing for you is closer than you think.