Behind every smile, there is a story filled with trials, tribulations hope and rescuing. There is not a single person out there, who has not gone through anything in life that is disappointing, hurtful or stressful.
This leads me to be transparent with you ALL. Transparency is important because it shows that no one has it all together and the moment we think we do, we are challenged by that very same concept pertaining to togetherness.
Let me start out by saying, I am NOT perfect and things are NOT going my way. Lately, I have been questioning God why he has allowed certain things to happen in my life. It has been something that has kept me down. It has made waking up early in morning for prayer difficult. It has made attending church and bible study draining. I have been allowing my emotions to lead me; making my relationship with God conditional. That is NOT good.
The purpose of my transparency is to reveal that sometimes, we have to go through a purge filled with emotions, pain, and tears in order to receive revelation that we do not need to understand in order for acceptance and peace to occur.
This week has been somewhat emotional for me filled with a lot of thoughts pertaining to change and moving forward. However, I still kept a smile on my face. I still went through the process of completing my daily activities and tasks. But I could not help but to ask God why would he bring certain people in my life that walked out of my life without justification. It made me question myself even. Maybe I was too outspoken. Maybe I come off as too strong. Or maybe I am just not good enough to have certain individuals in my life. The interesting thing about it was the fact that many of those who have walked out have been those whom love was once shared and encouragement was a part of a constant dialogue. I know that I am special in my creator’s eyes but why was it not reflected in others.
One of the hardest things to do is to accept the actions of others; especially from the ones we love. That is what I was forced to do.
The purging process began. I began to look at my emotions in the face and realized that its okay to face the music. That music being pain, guilt, frustration and more. by being honesty with myself, I was living in a reality that I was not okay but God has the answers. I had to cry out, yell out, and think out all of the emotions and baggage, The purging process can bring you to your old memories but the end results leaves you feeling peaceful.
I had to be okay with admitting that certain individuals hurt me with their words and actions. I had to cry tears that fished the waters of anger. I had to be okay with experiencing pain. I am NOT superwoman. I do not have to save the world and save me. I had to let myself go into a place of letting go.
To purge is to rid something of an unwanted feeling or to cleanse.
I knew that by holding on to questions and expecting abrupt answers would keep me deeper in a hole. I knew I had to let go of past pain and mistrust but for some reason I could not. I wish I could say that the leftover feelings from loved ones walking out of my life were instantly cured with a hallelujah; but it was not. I was too much into my feelings that I had no strength or desire to really get to that point of worship; until this past Wednesday at bible study at Agape Family Worship Center in Rahway, New Jersey. I walked into church expecting an answer. I am not talking about a broad answer, but a very specific answer. God DID answer my questions but not to my expectation. My pastor, Pastor Powell, focused on faith that evening. He provided scriptures that supported the notion of having faith but he said something that stood out to me. Pastor Powell said something along the lines of; when God removes people from your life, it is supposed to happen. That was my very problem, I did not realize that people walking out of my life is suppose to happen and all of the emotions tied to it is temporary. Pas Powell referred to 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 which focuses on our afflictions as being light and only lasting for a moment. There was so much comfort in knowing that what I was going through is only temporary. Pastor Powell also added that when things look like they are not working out in our favor; that is when it truly does in the end.
WAKE UP JOY!
That is exactly what I did at that moment. I woke up! Here I was trying to figure out “why” instead of saying why not. I was so pressed and stressed as to what I could have done, when I should have had faith in what God was doing. I was putting my faith in me instead of God! I had made myself responsible for abrupt changes taking place in my life. Now there are things that we choose to do that leads to an outcome; which is not to our surprise. But how about the things that occurs from out of nowhere. Why do we find ourselves so consumed instead of TRUSTING the process? It is simple; we have put our faith so much into ourselves that we have forgotten to trust God. I was forgetting where my help came from and therefore I relied on myself to be that help. Instead, I found myself as being the problem. My sadness and confusion was from MYSELF. The person getting in the way of my joyful place of acceptance and peace was ME. I almost forgot what peace felt like. There were moments I thought so far back into relationships and friendships from 2008 that did not work out. My anger grew, my disappointment grew larger; resulting in trust issues. I could not truly see clearly of the love that was in front of me; the love from family and current close friends. I was too blinded because I left my eyes in the past, making my vision blurry. I had to stop thinking and trying to figure things out. It was time for Joy to shut off and God to turn on. I felt so guilty in taking up my own life and trying to justify everything. At that moment, I had a slap of reality to my face. The reality being, I am only stressing and becoming emotional because I have chosen to be the author of my own life instead of giving the ink pen to its rightful owner; God.
My emotional week was a TRUE indication that although I was sitting at God’s feet, I was NOT putting
ALL of MY faith IN him. I asked too many whys instead of saying thank you. See I want you ALL to know that we all have our moments but they are just that; moments. Our problems are temporary! If you are going through a down moment due to something happening or for no apparent reason, I STRONGLY suggest that you not only go to God about it but find that family member and/or friend that you can safely vent to. That person who will not only be an ear but lead you to the word. Also, REMEMBER Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose”. So if you LOVE God, know that everything that is going on in your life is for your purpose. You may not see it now but soon it will be revealed and God will get the glory. It is okay to express emotions but it is not okay for emotions to have control over you.
